Woody Allen’s Unfinished Fall Projects

Thanks to the Internet, we have access to information we never needed, wanted, or should have.

For instance, imagine my surprise that while searching “The Pirate Bay” (for purely academic reasons that are not in any way linked to finding non-racist Daffy Duck cartoons) I stumbled across a .zip file called “Woody Allen’s Unfulfilled Projects.” So of course, I had to download that…


I have no idea how that file ended up on my machine, and you are a cretin for thinking any differently.

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Battlefield Earth (2001)

F*** me…

The good news: you have a hero – someone you nearly worship. This hero has inspired you in ways that you could never have anticipated. The example of this hero has kept you brave during the darkest times in your life. This hero’s legacy guides you and brings you comfort. When you feel weak or hopeless, you think of this mentor and find the wind you need to fill your sails.

Eventually, you are back on top. You use your new-found power and status to do a kindness: bring this hero’s dream to reality. Share this strength and vision with the world.

The bad news – and the news is VERY bad: this hero is famed con-man, domestic abuser, and kidnapper L. Ron Hubbard. Your stand-in in this fable? John Travolta.

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Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)


And here we are at last with what the Golden Turkey awards called the “worst film of all time.”

That’s right! Edward D. Wood, Jr.’s high/low point in glorious cinema! Here is where all of the lessons he learned from “Glen Or Glenda” and “Bride of the Monster” were completely ignored. This is the baseline for any measurement of terrible movies.

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Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice (2016)

I might have bit off a little more than I can chew here. Without rancor, I can say this is one of the very worst tremendously expensive movies I’ve ever seen. I am excluding any “Fantastic Four” movies because that just wouldn’t be fair.

Fighting words, huh?

I don’t have the finger strength to type out everything that’s wrong with this movie. But that is the point, isn’t it? It’s not “Join the Chorus of People Who Loathe this Film.” I have to say something nice about it.

And I can.

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Godzilla (1998)

In “If You Can’t Say Something Nice,” I try to take a work of “art” that is widely (and justifiably) scorned and try to see the bright side of things.

Size might matter, but so does scale. Ha! A pun!

Ever hear of Maria Pitillo? There’s no reason why you should have. She was an up-and-comer, someone to look out for – in short, a future star. Her acting credits included “Chaplin,” “True Romance,” and “Natural Born Killers.” She was climbing up the system, getting larger roles and honing her camera presence. Then something tragic happened.

She was the leading lady in 1998’s “Godzilla.”

It drove her to TV roles. She fled mainstream blockbusters; or more to the point they fled her.

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