Literally no one has ever asked me when one should introduce their secret Sex Dungeon to the potential boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/nosy parrot.

This is a mistake.

After 3 minutes of searching (3 minutes of searching the internet equal to 12 years learning in real time) I wasn’t able to see a single Emily Post or Ms. Manners article about when you should talk about your Sex Dungeon to whoever you want to unleash love upon, like a harp falling on the head of some lucky so-and-so all the way from the slippery fingers of Gabriel (notoriously, the clumsiest of angels. Do your own Internet research if you have the years (minutes) to spend if you doubt me!)

Pictures: A Clumsy Douchenozzle

It’s not like wedding anniversaries, where you have a specific wood, gem, metal, or slime for each year that you are married. For instance, the 157th anniversary is the “There Can Be Only One!” anniversary. Just remember not to behead each other in a church, mosque, synagogue, or other house of worship like a McDonalds.

Dating is more fraught than ever. “When do I tell him I have cats?” “When do I tell her about my mysterious shoulder growth that is developing an eye?” “When do I tell them that I am penguin?” “When can I show them my Sex Dungeon?”

Almost all of those, I am kind of certain, are covered in other places, but no one talks about when to bring up your Sex Dungeon! And why not? You put hours of labor and care into your Sex Dungeon! Sure, you subcontracted out the electrical, but that’s not the point. That St. Andrews Cross didn’t hang itself! With the keen and cautious eye of a pervert, you knew exactly where to place the handcuffs, where to hide the whips. If there was Feng Shui for Sex Dungeons, you would be a guru.

So, when do you get to show off your sex dungeon?

Pictured: A Future “Exhibit A”

When talking about conventional dating, I think manners dictate that the first date is right out. You don’t LEAD with a Sex Dungeon. You probably shouldn’t add that as a title or anything: “Hello. I am James Pomeroy: Sex Dungeoneer!” Even if things are going swimmingly and by the time dessert arrives you are staring into each other’s eyes and your hand has ever so slowly grabbed onto theirs and they respond with a slight squeeze, now is not the time to say the words “sex” or “dungeon,” much less the two words together.

Again, this applies to conventional dating. If you met on FetLife, all bets are off.

The second through to the fifth date is also probably a little too early. You probably don’t even know their middle name yet. Mine is Chandler. The TV show “Friends” ruined that name for me. And could Chandler Bing even BE more obnoxious when he spouts “sarcasm” by emphasizing the word “be” in an interrogative statement but is really only barfing up entitled, rich white guy skepticism?

Pictured: A Clumsy Douchenozzle

I digress. Get used to it.

You should first slowly bring up “sex.” Wait until that topic floats up. Maybe sneak it into the conversation subliminally. It worked for Satan, it might work for you. Backwards masking is the key. The word “sex” reversed is “xes,” which I assume sounds like “chhhes.” The extra “h” is for horniness!

Since the word sounds like clearing your throat, do that a lot. If the potential partner asks if you are okay, tell them that frequent coughing is merely an indicator of how great at “sex” you are.

Pictured: a whole ward full of people who are great at sex!

I would say dates six through nine is a good time to introduce the subject. I would still be a little coy about it. Talk about power tools first. “You know, you can do ALL sorts of special projects using a Craftsman 6-amp variable speed keyed corded saber saw!” Let the subject build after that. Drop hints about a “secret project” you’ve been working on. Something secret.

You know you have picked a winner if the person suspects that your secret project is building a Death Star.

Pictured: The ULTIMATE Sex Dungeon!

By date ten you’ve been priming the pump by talking about tuberculosis, TV shows from the 90s that haven’t aged well, your vintage Star Wars bedsheets, that simpering loser Gabriel, your fascination with the movie “The Highlander,” and power tools. The victim person is ready to learn about your Sex Dungeon!

Even though it is a Sex Dungeon, you should still have some homely touches added to make a guest forget that they’ve been lured there. Some flowers would be nice, perhaps some mood lighting, and to give your Sex Dungeon project a home-made feel, hang up a large carved wooden sign that says, “This Sex Dungeon Was Brought To You By Craftsman – Made By Degenerates FOR Degenerates!”

If the person hasn’t backed out of the room, walking backwards to their car, where they drive backwards away from you until the sun explodes, then either you have prepared the person beautifully or hypnosis actually works!


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