I AM BEING BLACKMAILED!

Just a few days ago, I received the most extraordinary email from someone named Jason Bell at jasonbunga1998@yahoo.com. He emailed me with an amazing business offer! See for yourself.

Incidentally, I have chosen pictures to represent the two sides of the conversation. Below is what I presume Jason looks like.

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JASON BELL

U destroy yourself by your filthy habit. Obviously, this is no business of mine what men practice in their spare time, but u have surprised me. It seems you prepare for setting a record for jerking off, there’s no other explanation for your commitment.What the fuck is this, guy? To jerk so much is outside of the powers of ordinary guys) It would be a shame of me not to advise you to cover ur webcam, when u practice this kind of stuff. I’m surprised by the fact that u’re an adult but u have such hobby. I give you 36 h to fulfill my requisitions BTC 1MmZ8Kktv8wXQu5W6Q8dwLusej4ii1htPR 1280 $. When my requirements are satisfied, I will eliminate the dirt on you. If u decide to flout me, in seventy-two h I will send ur video to the contacts from ur email that I saved. U got to be more careful, otherwise it should be no surprise if there is a viewer who has accessed to ur device. You’ll fail to reach me, after emailing this notice I am gonna delete the address on personal considerations.

Jason Bell

JOHN THE HAPLESS VICTIM

Dear Jason,

You caught me! While I am not directly confessing to masturbating like a hormone-shot spider monkey on Molly, it is within the realms of possibility. This poses some questions:

1. You mention setting a record for masturbating. Is there a governing body that keeps track of masturbation? Do you know what the all-time records are, and is there any way to submit for a medal? And presuming this runs like the Olympics, who do I bribe to get gold?
2. Given that you have watched the videos of me masturbating, do you think I am in the running for at least a certificate?
3. In those videos, how are the camera angles? I don’t mind you sending out potentially hundreds if not thousands of videos of me masturbating hither and yon, but I might pay the blackmail money if the lighting and camera positions are unflattering.
4. I am assuming that I am not the first person you’ve done this to, so I am wondering how to I “stack up” against the others? It’s not like this is a contest, but this is TOTALLY a contest.
5. You say that “to jerk so much is outside the powers of ordinary guys.” Are you implying I have superpowers? If so, should I use these powers for good or for amazing? And what would my costume look like?

I am currently drudging the money together just in case, but there’s only so much a couch can hold. In the meantime, please answer at least two of the questions. It’s up to you which questions, but you may want to answer the one about the costume sooner than later because I’ve got some ideas I want to run past you.

Here’s Jerking At Ya!

John

JASON BELL

U think ur funny but ur not. I have so many videos and it would be a shame for everyone in ur church to see what you really do wen ur alone. Guess what, funny guy. The price went up. Send me BTC 1MmZ8Kktv8wXQu5W6Q8dwLusej4ii1htPR 2280$ in 24 hours or everyone will know your disgusting habit.Everyone at church, school, relatives. We will see how funny u are when they see what u do.

JOHN THE HAPLESS VICTIM

My dearest Jason,

You didn’t reply with costume ideas, so I’ve found some of my own. Most of the ideas entail a hand grabbing something. I don’t want to spoil the surprise so you may have to wait a couple of news cycles to be shocked and amazed. Spoiler: it involves Times Square! New Yorkers tend to be less provincial about these kinds of things.

I, unfortunately, don’t go to church. There are two reasons why this is so:

1. I am barely proficient in “tongues”
2. I am frightened of snakes

This is something I have rarely ever confessed to anyone, Jason. I hope you appreciate me being honest and vulnerable with you. If a man can’t be open with his blackmailer, who CAN he open up to?

I am flattered that you think I am funny, although I am being very serious with you. You have created questions in me, Jason. I wonder how much of my life I have wasted not masturbating when I obviously have a gift. A gift should be shared!

I am very serious about the camera angles though. Although I don’t masturbate in front of my laptop because we are only good friends, I can set some re-shoots up. I think this time if I hung some scoops with scrims to create a soft backlight along with a Fresnel light and some barn doors to focus the fill light and maybe a tasteful gobo in the background, creating a pattern of droplets in the background.

I’m just spit-balling here, Jason. I mean, you’re the blackmailer and I am just your hapless victim. But I do have a long-distant background in television production, a job that I was particularly bad at. People had to check my work or the lights would fall to the ground faster than a pastor with thirty-seven Rattlesnake bites.

I notice you didn’t take advantage of the “re-shoots” comment up there and turn it into a cheap masturbation joke. I am proud of your manly self-restraint, Jason!

I think in showbiz I am supposed to wait for something called “notes,” which are ways for producers to pee on a project so it smells like them. I am enthusiastically awaiting notes on how I can better masturbate for the good of the artform. I am in your hands!

I will let you work out where my hands are.

With all the love within me,

John xxxooo

JASON BELL

Times running out asshole. Send me BTC 1MmZ8Kktv8wXQu5W6Q8dwLusej4ii1htPR 3280$ in 12 hours or everyone gets to see what a perv u are! Stop bing funny.This is going out to everyone if you decide to flout me!

JOHN THE HAPLESS VICTIM

My dearest Jason, whom has no equal under the stars and skies,

Again, while not directly confessing that I masturbate like a fourteen-year-old boy trapped in a classic Hustler magazine warehouse, you do bring up one very fine point.

I have friends who routinely send out Christmas cards to everyone they know, whether these people want them or not. I suppose some people feel that a tree is a small price to pay to alert the press that little Sarah now has St. Louis Encephalitis.

Sarah is a horse, if that wasn’t made clear.

I was wondering if I wanted to get in on sending out Christmas cards, but I am far too lazy to write out everything that is happening in my life, much less send it out to everyone I know.

I am certainly not saying to NOT send out the videos of me masturbating, but is it possible to delay it to December the twenty-fourth? This way you get to release the videos that you care so much for and I don’t have to write anyone. Bonus! I will probably stop getting Christmas cards from people. Because honestly, I couldn’t give less of a shit for Sarah if I tried.

I have tried, Jason. Oh, how I have tried.

So please just do me this one favor. Sending multiple videos of me masturbating before Thanksgiving is so gauche. At the very least, let’s make this a “white” Christmas for everyone!

So, do brother a solid? Or a liquid, as the case may be?

With as much love as my squeezy heart can contain,

John, your faithful victim

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Alas, I have yet to hear back from Jason about my proposal.