PATCH NOTES v5.1

Motto: to release and patch!

We’ve come a long way! Initial release and Patches v0.1-0.5 were, admittedly, rocky. The inclusion of the PUBERTY DLC at v0.95 was perhaps a little soon. It just wasn’t ready for primetime and the devs had to scramble to correct bugs with the voice, height, skin textures, and especially the privates. They barely scraped things together in time for patch v1.18 with the addition of the COLLEGE DLC. And… well… we’re sorry about that one. Our bad.

We’ve worked out a lot of the bugs, especially the MARRIAGE DLC, which we were finally forced to remove from the game due to fundamental programming issues. For those of you who bought it, we refer you to our second company motto: “NO REFUNDS, ASSHAT!

We’re finally rolling out patch v5.1. There are a number of fixes we’ve finally fit into the initial system. We’re still working out many of the bugs that keep propping up, but hey… we’ve already got your money!

PATCH v5.1

  • Re-applied patch 1.8, making The Three Stooges no longer funny
  • Glowing neon lights behind TVs are no longer “cool”
  • Players will be surprised to find sweatpants back in their inventory
  • Fixed the need for McDonald’s french fries. That bug was planted all the way back from version 0.5.
  • Drinking alcohol is no longer gross, but there are still bugs with the Drunkenness feature activating. Hopefully we’ll get that feature fixed ASAP
  • Failed to remove the lineup of the 1980s second British Invasion synth-pop songs that is stuck to the code like herpes. Looks like this one is permanent.
  • The Telepathy feature is still inactive, despite the promises made in Patch 0.7 and the “seen Star Wars” event
  • Misapplication of the “flexibility” feature has resulted in an Ehlers-Danlos bug resulting in a graphics error causing lines to appear on the character’s skin. This is hard baked into the code so the player is asked to make the best of it.
  • The car radio now sounds continuously disappointing
  • The promised “Mind Control” feature still hasn’t been implemented into the build. Sorry, everyone.
  • The Skin attribute has a slight bug in it, resulting in sagging on the rendered model. This may cause the player to spontaneously combust.
  • As per patch 4.5, children’s shows from the 1970s are no longer whimsical. They are deeply disturbing on every level. This patch will never be removed.
  • The whole SUPERHERO DLC has been cancelled due to it being game-breaking
  • Now thinks rock from the 1970s is way cooler than it actually is.
  • A re-application of the TV show “Friends” has lead to a new appreciation of how much evil it leaked into the universe
  • The “Flight” patch was enabled but only for three days so the player missed it.
  • Kind of suspecting that 1990s alternative rock isn’t as cool as he thought it was.
  • Same with Metal
  • And Progressive Rock
  • Fixed the “Autism” feature, turning it into a feature rather than a bug.
  • There are still errors when sugar is applied to the character.
  • The OLD AGE DLC is still being worked on, provided we can fix the spontaneous combusting error
  • The “running for health” action is still off-line. Let’s face it, I don’t think we’ll ever get that one going
  • Added bone cracks to the sound effects
  • The multi-processing feature allowing the game to run on multiple CPUs has resulted in the ADHD bug. This is hardbaked into the program and the only way to fix it would be to start over. See the instruction manual about “reincarnation.

Some of the patches have had unintended consequences, causing the player’s sleep cycle to flip more frequently, particularly when reading lore from the WORK DLC. This is something endemic to the system, particularly in the Gen X models we started rolling out in the mid-1960s. Getting them to work has almost been as difficult as getting the older “Boomer” models to stop with their bullshit.