MY PRESTIGIOUS AUTIST HERITAGE

Do you know what I have in common with a lot of famous people in the past? No, I’m not dead. No, I have heard of bathing. No, I’m not a malcontented prig with a…

What the hell is wrong with you? Would you please just let me get on with it?

Apparently, what I have in common with a lot of famous people in the past is Autism. All over the Internet there are various lists of distant historical figures who were also Autistic, ranging from the likely (Isaac Newton) to the unlikely (Cleopatra) to the perplexing (Charlemagne?)

Conquering: the ULTIMATE stim of the 8th century!

I guess that throughout human history, Autism has been a shortcut to greatness and not a genetic syndrome that puts you at odds with a society poised to reject you because of your “oddity.” So…good news there?

A lot of organizations have lists of famous historical people who are also listed among their numbers. For example, Freemasons. Their lists go all the way back to the dawn of time. Apparently, every notable person beginning with the first ape to use fire on another ape was a Freemason. So was the inventor of agriculture, the Greek pantheon (half of them,) and the Sumerians (all of them.)

The Mormans probably have a better claim than the Freemasons since they can baptize anyone they want to after death. This is because informed consent is for suckers. This consideration has not stopped wild Mormans stalking the land and ruthlessly baptizing every dead famous person in existence.

Incidentally, I’ve noticed that the claims of these kinds of lists hew towards the great and good. I have yet to see someone like Mussolini or Caligula on those lists of Autistic historical figures for some reason.

Neurodivergent BFFs forever?

Since it seems that in some cases the criteria of being an Autist is that you’ve heard of them, I am going to throw in my diagnoses. My qualification for making these diagnoses is:

  • None
  • I’m Autistic and so I can bring anyone into the club that I want to
  • Again, none

Skim it and weep, neurotypical!


GOD

Weird rules and rituals, wants everything in a particular way and gets mad if it doesn’t happen. Thought flooding the Earth was the only logical response to humans screwing angels.

ADAM

The man spends all of his time in happy near-solitude naming animals. He instantly believes what Eve says. Doesn’t realize he’s naked until it’s pointed out to him.

MOSES

Has crazy huge meltdowns. Has an entire book called “Numbers.” Made everyone wander the desert for forty years because he received bad news.

Quick! Get him a weighted blanket!

PYTHAGORAS OF SAMOS

Math guy. Formed his own math club. That club’s oath was made out of math.

SOCRATES

Annoyed his peers with constant questioning and lack of social niceties. Had no idea why people used the “social contract” when talking. Walked around barefoot because he didn’t see the point of sandals. Questionable hygiene habits because, again, he didn’t see the point.

DIOGENES OF SINOPE

Preferred dogs to people. Didn’t understand the point of the social contract, social status, or owning things. Just blurted out whatever he thought. Yet another occasionally naked guy with no sense of why hygiene matters. Negged Alexander the Great.

ARCHIMEDES

Yet another Math guy. Ran through the town naked without realizing it because he noticed something in the tub. Supposedly killed by a Roman soldier because he was hyperfocused on drawing in the dirt.

HANNIBAL BARCA

Wouldn’t it be cool if he was Autistic? I bet it would be, so now he is!

Welcome to the club! Your figit spinner is in the mail!

THE APOSTLE THADDEUS

Next to nothing is known about the guy, so I’m claiming him.

Pictured: Thaddeus preaching to the wild hippopotamus shortly before his martyrdom.

EMPEROR CLAUDIUS

Social outcast, difficulty speaking, analytical mind. He trusts the worst people he can possibly find and is surprised when they act like who they are. Everyone thinks he’s a weirdo – they’ve got a point.

EMPEROR COMMODUS

Sorry, they can’t all be winners.

CHARLEMAGNE

Why not? The toothpaste is already out of the tube.

Hi! It’s me again. Check out my kickass dollhouse!

POPE LANDO

Seriously. There is a Pope named Lando. He was Pope for about a year (913-914 AD). Died while destroying the second Death Star.1 Anyway, I am on a roll so I am claiming him for his name alone.

SUPERMAN

In an infinite multiverse, every permutation of reality is being played out. Ergo, Superman is real. Real Autistic!

This is a very, very partial list of all of the people I have decided are Autistic. There are plenty more Autistic people in history. All you need to do is claim them! Who would YOU like to welcome into the storied ranks of the Autists?

Please write your answer on a 3×5 index card, fold it half, place it in your wallet/billfold/purse/knapsack/kangaroo pouch, and pull it out whenever meeting someone you want to date so you can lay down the truth on them. They will be mystified and perplexed by your factoid!


1 Sorry about that. Low-hanging fruit there. But there’s no way you can tell me you wouldn’t do exactly the same thing, so don’t judge.