IT’S MILLENNIAL WEEK!

Hey, everyone! It’s “Millennial Week!” Who says? Me says!

Starting this Friday, Millennial Week is upon us! Given that US calendar week starts on Sunday and ends on Saturday, this makes Millennial Week last two days. Because why not do what everyone else has done to Millennials – overpromise.

For instance:

You need to go to college to get a job! Student loans don’t matter!

<Goes to college with student loans and graduates>

Oops! No jobs! Have fun with your debt!

Not heard: sad trombone sound

As any Boomer would say, “be thankful of what you got!” After all, Black history month was almost slated to happen every February 29th.

Incidentally, did you know that Millennials are ruining everything? Apparently, they are! In honor of Millennial Week, here are the main things they are ruining:

  1. Restaurants
  2. Old-timey Racism
  3. The Stock Market
  4. Music
  5. TV
  6. Homophobia
  7. Interacting with people
  8. Working from work
  9. Blocking LGBTQ++ people from getting hitched
  10. The Internet

My response to this is as follows:

  1. Who cares
  2. Good
  3. Who cares
  4. Who cares
  5. Who cares
  6. Good
  7. Who cares
  8. Who cares
  9. Good
  10. Who cares

Now, as you can tell, I am “Gen X.”  My generation has elevated the phrase “who cares” from a question into a definitive statement. My generation’s “f**k you” is “whatever,” so that shows you where we’re coming from. This means that our approach to Boomers (and general living) is, well, lackadaisical at best. Most Boomers would say that “lackadaisical” is the best description of my generation, to which we appropriately reply, “whatever.”

Non-committal shrugs: the gesture of a generation!

Having given up on us long ago, they’re coming after their grandchildren: those feckless Millennials. The problem is that, to Boomers, the age range of Millennials is from the zygote to a naïve 25. No one has alerted them to the fact that the oldest Millennials are thirty-nine years old.

I don’t know if they’ve heard of Gen Z yet, so there apparently isn’t a prevailing opinion on them yet. My own calculations (on a cocktail napkin, natch) are that once Boomers find out about Gen Z, they’ll think that we are being invaded by moon-beings from Ceres.

Perhaps they’re right

Sooner or later Gen Z will get their own week stuffed to the gills with rainbows, My Little Pony reboots, designer drugs, and whatever other hills they plant their flag on. But for now, it’s time for the two day Millennial week! In celebration, we’re going to:

  • Burn down a restaurant
  • Punch a Nazi
  • Buy up a bunch of meaningless stocks for the “lulz”
  • Get out our iPods and play some Paramore
  • Watch “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone” and “Spongebob Square Pants” at the same time
  • Hang out with “teh gayz,”
  • Stare agape at our iPhones
  • Log into the VPN and finish a work project in our underwear
  • Become an ordained minister and join in matrimony any two or more LGBT++ people together whether they know each other or not
  • Meme the hell out of everyone!

We only have two short days to accomplish this, so we need to get going! Unify the generations and learn from the wisdom of the Millennials! And if we can’t…

Who cares.