IT’S MILLENNIAL WEEK!

Hey, everyone! It’s “Millennial Week!” Who says? Me says!

Starting this Friday, Millennial Week is upon us! Given that US calendar week starts on Sunday and ends on Saturday, this makes Millennial Week last two days. Because why not do what everyone else has done to Millennials – overpromise.

For instance:

You need to go to college to get a job! Student loans don’t matter!

<Goes to college with student loans and graduates>

Oops! No jobs! Have fun with your debt!

Not heard: sad trombone sound

As any Boomer would say, “be thankful of what you got!” After all, Black history month was almost slated to happen every February 29th.

Incidentally, did you know that Millennials are ruining everything? Apparently, they are! In honor of Millennial Week, here are the main things they are ruining:

  1. Restaurants
  2. Old-timey Racism
  3. The Stock Market
  4. Music
  5. TV
  6. Homophobia
  7. Interacting with people
  8. Working from work
  9. Blocking LGBTQ++ people from getting hitched
  10. The Internet

My response to this is as follows:

  1. Who cares
  2. Good
  3. Who cares
  4. Who cares
  5. Who cares
  6. Good
  7. Who cares
  8. Who cares
  9. Good
  10. Who cares

Now, as you can tell, I am “Gen X.”  My generation has elevated the phrase “who cares” from a question into a definitive statement. My generation’s “f**k you” is “whatever,” so that shows you where we’re coming from. This means that our approach to Boomers (and general living) is, well, lackadaisical at best. Most Boomers would say that “lackadaisical” is the best description of my generation, to which we appropriately reply, “whatever.”

Non-committal shrugs: the gesture of a generation!

Having given up on us long ago, they’re coming after their grandchildren: those feckless Millennials. The problem is that, to Boomers, the age range of Millennials is from the zygote to a naïve 25. No one has alerted them to the fact that the oldest Millennials are thirty-nine years old.

I don’t know if they’ve heard of Gen Z yet, so there apparently isn’t a prevailing opinion on them yet. My own calculations (on a cocktail napkin, natch) are that once Boomers find out about Gen Z, they’ll think that we are being invaded by moon-beings from Ceres.

Perhaps they’re right

Sooner or later Gen Z will get their own week stuffed to the gills with rainbows, My Little Pony reboots, designer drugs, and whatever other hills they plant their flag on. But for now, it’s time for the two day Millennial week! In celebration, we’re going to:

  • Burn down a restaurant
  • Punch a Nazi
  • Buy up a bunch of meaningless stocks for the “lulz”
  • Get out our iPods and play some Paramore
  • Watch “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone” and “Spongebob Square Pants” at the same time
  • Hang out with “teh gayz,”
  • Stare agape at our iPhones
  • Log into the VPN and finish a work project in our underwear
  • Become an ordained minister and join in matrimony any two or more LGBT++ people together whether they know each other or not
  • Meme the hell out of everyone!

We only have two short days to accomplish this, so we need to get going! Unify the generations and learn from the wisdom of the Millennials! And if we can’t…

Who cares.

YOUR AUTISTIC SUPERPOWER!

Did you know that Autistic people have superpowers? Well, apparently we do. I don’t mean we can fly (YET, although we flap), have X-Ray vision, or can command the power of lapwings with our mighty lapwing power. I mean most of us have freaky weird sensitivities.

For instance, I can smell cigarette smoke lit in an apartment three doors away or 100 yards across the lawn. I can hear the hum of electricity coming from appliances. I can hear a car passing two buildings away. I can spout out little known historical facts, thereby at one time discovering peoples’ general interest in history (not high) AND a cure for insomnia!

SUPERPOWERS!

Like this but with math or something

So like any superpower, there are weaknesses. I can smell cigarette smoke but I can’t shake the smell. The drone of electricity is distracting, so much so that I have to have some kind of noise around me to drown it out. I can hear things far away but I need subtitles on videos because if they’re not on, I can’t hear it.

Pictured: What?

Adding to the fun is the way our minds apparently “jump” This makes for some troublesome discussions with puny humans neurotypical people. For example.

NT: This is a delicious roast. What do you think?

Autist: I like swords

If you saw what happened there, congratulations! Your fidget spinner is now in the mail.

If you have no idea what just happened, here’s a look under the hood:

  1. “Delicious roast”
  2. Pot roast
  3. Pottery
  4. Ancient pottery
  5. Archaeology
  6. Archaeological dig
  7. Ancient city burned to the ground
  8. Invaders at the gates!
  9. Make weapons
  10. Blacksmith
  11. Swords
  12. “I like swords”

This has happened by the time the last word of the neurotypical’s sentence is out of their mouth. That’s another superpower, but I have no idea what it would be called. Here are some options:

  • Superweird
  • Super-random…ness…ness
  • Superthinkingbrain
  • Superjumptotheweirdestfreakingconclusionspossible
  • SuperamItakingthistoofar
  • Superyesprobablyletsmoveon?

Sorry, I got lost there (superlost.) Maybe this is like superspeed if that power was limited to running in tight, concentric circles. If you have decided on one of these options, or if you have a better option on what to name this phenomena, write it down on a 3″x5″ index card, add your name, address, shoe size, and favorite pope, and bury it 3.5 feet deep one-hundred paces from your back door.

Then go back inside and think about what you choose to do with your time.

Anyway, all this nonsense behind the curtain is why people think that Autistic people come up with different ways of thinking. We do. It’s just perhaps not the way of thinking neurotypicals want. But this is normal to us and frustrating when people don’t get the connection.

And the flapping. Let’s not forget the flapping.

Oh, let’s not neglect the nervous tics, not being able to look people in the eyes, being utterly bewildered by the social contact that we never signed, stimming, getting ideas stuck permanently in our heads, and the fact that each and every one of us is also The Hulk.

Pictured: Minor Meltdown

Now onto the question that must be bouncing around in your mind: will I use these powers for good or awesome?

DEFINITELY for awesome!