I Am Suddenly A Wedding Expert!

Did you know that I am an expert at weddings?

Did you know that there is no governing body anywhere that regulates who is a wedding expert and there are no set criteria by which to measure one’s expertise at weddings?

And what is there to be an expert about? It’s pretty easy to tailor-make general advice that skewers to the wishes of the happy couple.

Pictured: Sauron’s Wedding. Advice: fireproof all the things!

So really, anyone can get away with claiming to be a wedding expert just like me! Even you! Or the people who created this advice!


So a wedding should have good food and music! I could never have put that together. Makes me ashamed that I served Velveeta on toothpicks and played “This Is The Song That Doesn’t End” on an infinite loop.


Well, now I regret holding the razored edge of a broken Shiner Bock beer bottle against the Vicar’s throat and screaming at him to stop staring at me. I admit it WAS pleasing to me, but I could have handled his eerie, bug-like googly eyes in a calmer manner.


And of course, everyone knows how important it is for one to have their own stank.

If this advice seems glib, it is only because it is very, very glib. I not only could come up with better advice, I did and I have no regrets!

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So that’s the secret! Thanks, me!

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Well, I’ll be dipped!

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I knew it!

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It all makes so much sense!

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He (I) really nailed that!

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Hindsight, huh?

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Now you know what to strive for, wedding planners. Keep an open bar and sharp cutlery at hand!

So how about it? Ready to become a wedding expert like me? All you have to do is declare it. Oh, and print up some business cards. Business cards make every idiotic notion real.





3 thoughts on “I Am Suddenly A Wedding Expert!

  1. It’s a pity I hadn’t found you before I got married. Now there is no way to have such a fabulous wedding as you propose.

    If I could add one more tip, it would be to have plastic surgery before the wedding. A wedding is not an everyday event, and you can’t get married with your everyday face. Besides, in the years to come, you’ll be looking at your plastic face in the mirror, and your mind will go back to that special day – like with the perfume!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I likes the way you think! I think this plastic surgery should also lend a plastic sheen to your skin. The problem is that makeup would smear off of you like a marker off a dry erase board.

      Or you could really own that look!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. More excellent advice from you, and definitely something to beware of if you choose a drastic change of look for your wedding day.

        Unless of course there is a way to incorporate makeup on your new face. I hear science makes wonders these days. What if there is way to have a permanently painted plastic face – like Barbie and Ken? Memories that last forever…


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