Thanks to the Internet, we have access to information we never needed, wanted, or should have.
For instance, imagine my surprise that while searching “The Pirate Bay” (for purely academic reasons that are not in any way linked to finding non-racist Daffy Duck cartoons) I stumbled across a .zip file called “Woody Allen’s Unfulfilled Projects.” So of course, I had to download that…
I have no idea how that file ended up on my machine, and you are a cretin for thinking any differently.
Anyway, for those of you who don’t enjoy pretentious movies of constant self-reflection by a narcissist with an inferiority complex, here is a brief summary of Woody Allen.
A Tiny Assessment of A Tiny Man
Woody Allen is a famous director of movies that very few people see. He’s been at this scam for years. His movies are mainly about rich people in New York City with a lot of time on their hands and a penchant for very young women.
Woody Allen is a chief beneficiary of the activist group #ExceptForHim. Another famous member of this group is Roman Polanski.
Just as the #MeToo movement highlights the plight of people who have been sexually assaulted, #ExceptForHim is all about general exceptions to the idea that people who sexually assault others or molest children should be punished. They apparently should escape accountability because they are artistically adept.
I have no idea why this group exists or why these two men in particular are on it, but there it is. People like Tilda Swinton, Terry Gilliam, Wes Anderson, and Darren Aronofsky seem to have no problems with child rape provided the rapist is an auteur with an excellent sense of framing and that the rape happened a long time ago.
Famous people to this day act in Woody Allen movies, only to apologize about it afterwards. That way, they get the IMDB credit AND the mea culpa. Handy!
Once upon a time, Woody Allen directed and starred in “Annie Hall,” which took the Best Picture Academy Award from “Star Wars,” which proves that the Academy Awards has always been as able to predict movies with the largest cultural impact as I am in moving large objects with my mind.
NOTE: I still cannot move large objects with my mind, but hope springs eternal.
“Annie Hall” is a fantastic movie if you are really into watching some nebbish little redheaded narcissist try to convince the world that he’s sexy. That is pretty much a theme running through his movies.
Once upon a time, he was funny. Now he’s a symbol of the great divide in the United States. The Republicans wanted to send a child rapist to the Senate. The Liberals were very much against that. They only want child rapists to direct their arthouse films.
Which brings me to the magical .zip file that ended up on my computer mysteriously. It contained a minor treasure of unfinished projects by Woody Allen – mostly in the form of movie ideas that some merciful God(s) stopped him from pursuing.
Examples? Of course, my lovely ones!
WOODY ALLEN’S UNFINISHED FALL PROJECT #1
Movie Title: New York Sketchbook (1996)
Alan (Woody Allen) wanders Central Park, looking at playgrounds. Suddenly, he is bowled over by a young woman who is very mature for her age. She asks him if he wants to play catch. Instead, he wants to talk about Hannah Arendt and phenomenology. The young woman is extremely attracted to him and not at all reluctant or paralyzed with fear. They have sex under the bleachers at her high school. They break up for a while because she thinks that perspectivism is for stupid people and he doesn’t want to go to her prom. They get back together again when he realizes that his neopositivism and her strong desire to get a fake ID are not as mutually exclusive as they thought. Then he makes her listen to jazz clarinet.
Notes: Allen wonders if Christina Ricci is available for the role
WOODY ALLEN’S UNFINISHED FALL PROJECT #2
Movie Title: Nostalgia In Times Square (2001)
Alvin (Woody Allen) wanders Brooklyn, looking for arcades. This, despite the last one having closed down in 1995. Suddenly, he is approached by a young woman who is very mature for her age. She asks him if he likes “The Amanda Show.” He tries to find the commonalities between various stars from Nickelodeon and the writings of Nikolai Berdyaev. This makes the
girl woman very aroused. They have sex on the inflatable bed in her parent’s basement. They break up for a time because she doesn’t want a wild stud like him to be limited by her, and also because she has a 10:30 pm curfew. They get back together when they realize that technically it isn’t kidnapping if she willingly gets into the car.
Notes: Allen wants the whole movie to take place in mid-afternoon, and the actress (no older than 16) has to wear a bikini the whole time.
WOODY ALLEN’S UNFINISHED FALL PROJECT #3
Movie Title: Self-Portrait In Three Colors (2008)
Acklin (Woody Allen) wanders Times Square with his best friend Jeffrey (Alan Alda), looking for candy stores. He runs into a young woman who is very mature for her age. She asks him if he likes gum, or if he prefers hard candy. He says that according to Camus, choice is meaningless and that Peter Wessel Zapffe showed that in an absurd universe, any action is equal to non-action. They have hot sex immediately afterwards while listening to Charles Mingus. Then, outside of another candy store, he meets another young woman who is very mature for her age. When she asks him if he prefers milk or dark chocolate, he claims that William James would never ask that question because her conception of those objects is dependent on her own frame and that the function of thought is not to describe or mirror reality. She immediately strips her clothes, lays down in a dark room, and awaits his visit. The two women discover each other and fight because Acklin is by far the most desirable person in all of New York City. Eventually, Acklin leaves them because they are both far too old.
Note: Allen writes in the margins “are Chloë Grace Moretz and Dakota Fanning available?”
WOODY ALLEN’S UNFINISHED FALL PROJECT #4
Movie Title: Blues And Roots (2011)
Woody Allen (Woody Allen) wanders lower Manhattan looking for Junior High Schools. While he is peering through the chain link fence at the playground and emitting low moans, a kickball hits him in the side of the head, knocking off his very sexy glasses. When he bends over to pick them up, he sees the feet of a young woman who is very mature for her age. She says “sorry I hit you with the ball, mister.” He says that he might as well get used to it because according to Kierkegaard life is repetition. She is immediately taken by his rakish desirability and instantly agrees to sign a waiver agreeing not to prosecute him in the future for sexual molestation using the “she so obviously wanted it” clause. They sleep together and in this transcendental bliss she comes to acknowledge that the universe is an uncaring abyss and she will never, ever find a better man than Woody Allen. Woody Allen then ascends a throne made out of girls panties and waits for A-list movie stars to beg for any role, no matter how small, in his yearly masterpieces.
Note: He makes marginal notes to remind himself how much of a genius he is.
I am afraid the ideas go downhill from there.