America’s Untapped Resources! Part one: Orphans! – by M.D. Ambersaurius


The 19th century was great to England. Their empire spanned the globe! Once a puny island nation, they expanded into a global player, holding continents in their limp, clammy, fish-like grip. How did they do this?

Was it politeness? Crumpets? The mightiest navy in the world? Shady business practices and holding people to labyrinthine contracts that one couldn’t understand even in their native language, much less translated into barbaric clicks and hand claps or whatever language the indigenous people used?

Some would say yes to all of the above (especially about the crumpets), but I think that is skirting over the real power of England. For England was the center of the Industrial Revolution, and that revolution was powered by…

Yes! Orphans!

Orphans were the fuel that drove England’s “satanic mills.” Orphans were the grease in the gears, the power of steam, and the bedrock upon which the factories rose from the orphans’ unmarked plague graves!

Yet America, in her great bounty, is leaving this untapped resource completely, well, untapped. Why?!

Sentiment? “Human rights?” Bah! Why let something as simple as “morality” keep us from being globally dominant? It didn’t stop the British, and it certainly isn’t stopping the Chinese.

Orphans are a labor force begging to be used. What other use is there for them? Having a childhood? What good has a childhood ever done for anyone, especially for the poor? A poor kid has to EARN their childhood! Teach them early to be a maker, not a taker!

(NOTE: unless the kid is rich. Different laws apply to rich kids.)

So get rid of those lazy, old American workers and train up the workers of a future generation! Here come the orphans to save the day! Pay them in stale bread and occasionally give them the whipping they deserve if they stray but a little from their production quota.

And who will complain? Their parents? Some collection of do-gooders who happen to notice what is going on until they are distracted by the next shiny offense and then drop the whole thing like a hot potato? As if something like orphans being forced to work in slave labor conditions is going to stick in the etch-a-sketch of the American consciousness. Cause célèbre one minute, depository of unsold charity t-shirts the next. Let the professional hand-wringers chase their tails!

“But M.D.,” some annoying liberal might protest in a high, whiny voice while sipping their free-trade coffee in an “I HEART LICHEN CANDY” mug while scratching themselves because their shirt made out of the pubic hair of a Washakoa Indian woman is crazy itchy and impossible to clean, occasionally adjusting their thick, black hipster glasses. Not that the hipster is black. They could be, but that’s neither here nor there. The frames are black. Oh, the equivocalness of language!

Where was I?

Oh, yes! Lovingly constructing my straw man.

“But, M.D., isn’t it cruel for an adult to physically punish a poor orphan child, no matter how noble and holy the cause?”

Why, yes it is! By Godfrey, I would never condone a work environment where adults smack around children, even for the holy, unassailable cause of profiteering and riches.

That is when we take advantage of yet another untapped American resource.



This affords us the opportunity to train a new generation of managers. It is estimated (by me) that one in ten of every children is a potential bully. We need to discover those children and train them up, coddle them, until they turn into the new generation of MBAs, business investors, and CEOs.

How? By putting them in management positions over orphans! The idea is FLAWLESS! We use an untapped source of free labor, and we train a new generation of management while we’re at it. Those bullies will keep the orphans in line! After all, there’s nothing that’ll stop all talk of unionizing or asking for more food quicker than a swirly or a vicious purple nurple.

They do all the work, we get all the benefits and strive to ignore the source of our bounty. Others may suffer, but that won’t keep us from reaping the benefits. That, my friends, is the American way!

Better still, we can put off reaping the whirlwind from all of this for the next generation. Everyone wins (except for Generation Q or whatever the kids are going to call themselves when they’re older.) When the tables finally turn and all of our mansions are ablaze, at the very least we can look at each other through the gaps in the fences of the forced labor camp and say “that was a hell of a ride! Regrets are for the poor!”

So get off your butts, production centers of this nation. Let’s put those poor orphan kids to work! For AMERICA!

About the Author: M.D. Ambersaurius is better than you. His career has spanned lifetimes and the breadth of his knowledge cannot be measured in any metric that a puny you can understand. Read his LinkedIn and tremble.

The LinkedIn of M.D. Ambersaurius